he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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