I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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