smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
