Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
