i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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