yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Randomize
