We're like a lot better than the average bears
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
