I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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