Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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