Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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