i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
