And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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