i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
