Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
