I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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