I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
