Yo dont text me then not text me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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