all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
