I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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