I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
