I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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