My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
