If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
