I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
