How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
