Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
