Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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