Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
