i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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