She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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