Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
