This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
