Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
