my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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