I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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