i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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