Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
