Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I think i got beer on your cat.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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