Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
