I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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