I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
