My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
