Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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