Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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