im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
