this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
