my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
