i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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