What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
