tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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