My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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