if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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