he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Did I show you my penis last night?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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