if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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