The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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