I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
