I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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