he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
