how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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