this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
