it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
