I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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